I was visiting my family over the weekend and ended up getting pretty annoyed with them….For a couple years now my dad has been constantly putting pressure on me to “find somebody and get married” like wtf? It’s not as simple as that LOL…at least for me it’s not. However, since I announced I’m going to be going back to school full time for a year, and changing careers and could potentially be jobless for quite some time….that pressure has been removed, thank god he at least has the logic of “Well if she doesn’t have any money she shouldn’t get married”
My mom had always been the reasonable one, not pressuring me, encouraging me to just date and get to know people…..that all changed this weekend. I don’t know where the fuck it came from, but we were having dinner with some family friends and my mom just kept going on about how I need to “find somebody and get married” I quote that because I don’t understand how they always phrase it like that…makes it sound as if it’s just like going shopping to find a prom dress or something. The dinner was very awkward and my parents friends were actually in my defense……likely cause they’re white and likely don’t understand the whole stupid pressure to just get married stuff.
I do have respect for my parents, but I have no respect at all for their views on marriage as it’s just the typical brown/immigrant view….They think it’s as simple as meeting someone who you find physically attractive, has a “good job” and comes from a “good family” getting to know each other a bit and then deciding to tie the knot. What about chemistry? What about love? I feel very sad saying this, but it’s something they don’t understand because it’s something they’ve never experienced….They got married at a very young age and were basically forced into it…..When I asked my mom why she married my dad the answer had nothing to do with love. She said she married him because she wanted to move to Canada and help her family…it had nothing to do with any of his personal qualities, things she found unique about him or a feeling she had. When I asked my dad why he married my mom he said it was because he listened to his parents….again, it had nothing to do with how he felt, or what he wanted.
I suppose part of them thinks it still works like that….kids just listen to their parents regarding this kind of stuff and they can guilt and pressure them….I can understand that back in the day marriage for some people was about meeting survival needs, and that was why they did it, it wasn’t so much about love. As far as survival goes though, my needs are all taken care of so why would I even bother putting myself in a relationship situation that I feel is less than satisfying? It makes absolutely no sense to spend $50k on a wedding, have some dude waste his money on a rock, and live with something that’s just ok.
Maybe I’m just too idealistic….I’ve never really bothered getting involved with anyone unless I felt chemistry and comfort instantly, it might sound weird but I always know in the first few min. or speaking to someone if I want to keep seeing them or not, must be my intuition. I’ve had many situation in which I have met someone who’s attractive, “looks good on paper” and I’m sure my parents would be very happy about…but, there’s no chemistry, no passion. Some people believe that’s something you can build over time….I don’t think it is, in my opinion it’s a waste of time trying so I just never go out with these people again.
A lot of people do it though, they just date and then marry someone because they look good on paper…I’ve seen friends do this. I can always tell by the way people speak about another person if there’s any depth to their relationship or not…..I can tell it’s just “like” and not “love” when they’e able to state a whole bunch of looks good on paper reasons for dating that person. I can tell it’s love when there’s an essence of passion in the way they speak about that person and they just don’t really know why they love them, and can’t give specific “looks good on paper” reasons as to why they like them.
I can say in all honesty that I would rather spend the rest of my life single than settle into a loveless relationship….I have nothing to gain from that.
michellesgotsomethingtosay 
I disagree on some points. For example, I’m getting married and I’m crazy about my fiance AND he looks good on paper. I don’t think being able to list good qualities about someone makes it all about that. For me it’s like wow, I found someone I’m crazy about PLUS they look great on paper. How awesome is that!
Also about the arranged marriage (although I don’t have personal experience), based on my parents’ experience – they are crazy in love to this day but they also married without really knowing one another. Whereas you can find people who married for love and get divorced a year later. If anything, when you are arranged, you go in more willing to compromise (which isn’t always a bad thing). It can go either way regardless of how long you know someone before you are married – you just have to be looking for the right things.
Thanks for your comment! I think what I was trying to get at with the whole looks good on paper thing was more so that if you asked yourself why you loved that person the answer wouldn’t be “because he’s a doctor, because he’s tall, etc” I’m sure you would be nuts about your fiancé regardless of the packing he came in because you love what’s on the inside. People of course can get the bonus of a partner that looks good on paper, just saying that it shouldn’t be the primary reason for choosing to be with someone.
That’s an interesting point about the arranged marriages growing into love and very cute about your parents! I do agree that love can change over time, for better or for worse. I suppose my reasoning for being so opinionated on this is because the examples I’ve seen in my life where people got married as either a sacrifice or compromise didn’t turn out as the ideal “happily ever after” and I think view points tend to be formed out of what you’ve been exposed to and you’re definitely lucky to have been surrounded by such a loving example.
Another reason for my viewpoint on love growing over time and arranged marriages is likely due to my own laziness. Perhaps some people have put a lot of effort in to making things work with a partner and have seen fruits of their labour, I’ve always been pretty lazy though in terms of the effort i have put into dating unless I’ve felt an initial “wow” with the person….who knows, the laziness could just be me not being ready and I might completely change on that someday….we’ll see lol
I can totally relate to the pressure you feel. Parents don’t realize that putting pressure on you or on your relationship( as in my case) only makes things worse. I explained to my mom that pressure has a trickle down effect that can easily transfer to a good healthy relationship. It’s true it’s your life… The timing and tempo is up to you. I think that I need to remember that marriage is a huge commitment. My mom is so highly focuse on wedding dresses when I’m not even engaged that she is missing the point. Parents should foster their children having positive friendships and relationships their whole lives because, after all , they won’t be there forever. Furthermore, your relationship status does not define you. You are much more than that.:)
Thanks so much for your response! I agree 100% about pressure trickling down and affecting relationships. Luckily I recently moved far away from my folks so they can’t bug me much now! ha!
Im a guy and my parents are constanty on my case to get married. Its to satisfy some need to show others a wedding. Look at our son and his beautiful successful wife and see how beautiful this wedding is. Its all about what others think. Im having no part of it lol. Im not even convinced that marriage is good….