Category Archives: dating and relationships

Marriage, it’s just what you do?

I was visiting my family over the weekend and ended up getting pretty annoyed with them….For a couple years now my dad has been constantly putting pressure on me to “find somebody and get married” like wtf? It’s not as simple as that LOL…at least for me it’s not. However, since I announced I’m going to be going back to school full time for a year, and changing careers and could potentially be jobless for quite some time….that pressure has been removed, thank god he at least has the logic of “Well if she doesn’t have any money she shouldn’t get married”

My mom had always been the reasonable one, not pressuring me, encouraging me to just date and get to know people…..that all changed this weekend. I don’t know where the fuck it came from, but we were having dinner with some family friends and my mom just kept going on about how I need to “find somebody and get married” I quote that because I don’t understand how they always phrase it like that…makes it sound as if it’s just like going shopping to find a prom dress or something. The dinner was very awkward and my parents friends were actually in my defense……likely cause they’re white and likely don’t understand the whole stupid pressure to just get married stuff.

I do have respect for my parents, but I have no respect at all for their views on marriage as it’s just the typical brown/immigrant view….They think it’s as simple as meeting someone who you find physically attractive, has a “good job” and comes from a “good family” getting to know each other a bit and then deciding to tie the knot. What about chemistry? What about love? I feel very sad saying this, but it’s something they don’t understand because it’s something they’ve never experienced….They got married at a very young age and were basically forced into it…..When I asked my mom why she married my dad the answer had nothing to do with love. She said she married him because she wanted to move to Canada and help her family…it had nothing to do with any of his personal qualities, things she found unique about him or a feeling she had. When I asked my dad why he married my mom he said it was because he listened to his parents….again, it had nothing to do with how he felt, or what he wanted.

I suppose part of them thinks it still works like that….kids just listen to their parents regarding this kind of stuff and they can guilt and pressure them….I can understand that back in the day marriage for some people was about meeting survival needs, and that was why they did it, it wasn’t so much about love. As far as survival goes though, my needs are all taken care of so why would I even bother putting myself in a relationship situation that I feel is less than satisfying? It makes absolutely no sense to spend $50k on a wedding, have some dude waste his money on a rock, and live with something that’s just ok.

Maybe I’m just too idealistic….I’ve never really bothered getting involved with anyone unless I felt chemistry and comfort instantly, it might sound weird but I always know in the first few min. or speaking to someone if I want to keep seeing them or not, must be my intuition. I’ve had many situation in which I have met someone who’s attractive, “looks good on paper” and I’m sure my parents would be very happy about…but, there’s no chemistry, no passion. Some people believe that’s something you can build over time….I don’t think it is, in my opinion it’s a waste of time trying so I just never go out with these people again.

A lot of people do it though, they just date and then marry someone because they look good on paper…I’ve seen friends do this. I can always tell by the way people speak about another person if there’s any depth to their relationship or not…..I can tell it’s just “like” and not “love” when they’e able to state a whole bunch of looks good on paper reasons for dating that person. I can tell it’s love when there’s an essence of passion in the way they speak about that person and they just don’t really know why they love them, and can’t give specific “looks good on paper” reasons as to why they like them.

I can say in all honesty that I would rather spend the rest of my life single than settle into a loveless relationship….I have nothing to gain from that.

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The Most Important Things I’ve Learned in Life so far

So again, one of those days is upon me where I feel like getting a bit more personal with my writing. In the past I would rarely ever do such a thing, but because I feel like I’ve grown so far from caring about the opinions and judgement others may have towards me it feels like such a natural thing to do. I also feel that if I can inspires or help people in any way, deep personal experience is such an invaluable thing to write about.

I feel like I’ve learned a lot about life and myself over the past few years, probably more in the past 3-4 years than I’ve learned in the 24 years before that. Of course I spent those 24 years learning stuff, but I feel it wasn’t so much learning about myself on a deeper level but learning the basics i.e. getting through school, dealing with petty drama with friends, having a boring part time job, drinking and partying…..then doing all the things I thought I was supposed to do, getting into a high paying career, having a serious relationship and buying a place of my own. I did all of those things and for the most part everything ended up falling apart…..I won’t get into all the details of what happened with my relationship, the place I owned a couple years ago and my career. Although I guess most of you know what happened with regard to career plans, me wanting to do something more meaningful with my life and discovering it in Africa.

From parting with all of the above I learned the value of non attachment, it sounds very Buddhist I know….and I actually did have interest in and read up quite a bit on Buddhism a few years ago before any of this came along. It resonated with me because there is no God in Buddhism and the religion itself was about life principles that made sense to me. I don’t think I totally got the non attachment thing at the time though, I understood how maybe people could lose their attachments to tangible things, but to lose attachment to people and expectations without being cold and emotionless? That made no sense to me.

Over the past few years I have been able to develop an understanding of the principle of non attachment, it most definitely doesn’t mean you become a cold and unloving person. What happens is you become a person who is capable of giving a lot and not expecting anything in return. You can love people without feeling the need to possess, control, feel jealousy towards or have expectation of that person…..in other words, it’s unconditional love.  Many people think that the only ones we can love in such a way are family members or maybe our best friends from childhood. That’s simply not true though, we’re capable of experiencing this with relationship partners as well although most people would think of it as impossible. The key to living in this way is first find yourself, get to a place where you feel you can give yourself in an empowered way. What I mean by this is a place where you’re giving to someone just because you want to, not because you want, need or expect anything from them in return to validate what you gave. It has to be a place where you feel you can give of yourself and not be offended or hurt if what you give is not accepted.

I don’t think many people get to this place with their relationships, as spiritual practice doesn’t seem to be a strong part of most peoples lives. However, I do think many are capable if they do enough work on themselves to get to a place where they are so solid and sure of themselves that the way another reacts to them won’t throw them far off balance. It takes a lot of hard work and discipline, going through layers and layers of inner baggage….but in the long run it’s worth it because you become emotionally free and are able to decipher what’s coming from your ego and what’s coming from your true self (your soul).

I will admit that from time to time I still intentionally come off as unsure about certain things to my friends just because I know they wouldn’t understand how I could be so assured and calm about certain things and I know they wouldn’t get it if I explain so it’s easier this way because they would probably think I’m just bullshitting them lol.

I’ve also learned that everything in life is transient….something can feel so solid one day and then be dust the next. I think this fact should encourage more of us to follow the principle of non attachment, because we really don’t possess as much control over our lives as we like to think. If so much control over life were possible I would now be married to someone who just over three years ago I thought I could never find happiness beyond. Being forced out of that situation and into new territory also forced me to dive deeper into me when I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was really depressed and never showed that to anyone because I’ve always hated the whole “awwww, don’t worry, you’ll find someone new” kind of thing. I didn’t want someone new, I just wanted to be happy……I went from being someone who’s life was primarily my boyfriend and work with virtually no outside interests to being someone very independent, rediscovering old hobbies from the past, also discovering new things I loved doing…..I started working out and eating super healthy for the first time in my life and that’s a love that’s never died over these years even though I have my breaks from time to time. I started travelling on my own and learned a lot of things about myself that way along with better developing my intuition.

Had I just sat around and sulked and found “someone new” none of that would have ever happened. This is why I know that when we’re faced with daunting situations in life it’s always best to just tackle them head on rather than sitting and waiting for someone else, or something else to come along….waiting never really accomplishes anything in life.

That brings me to something else I learned in life that’s very important and is the reason why I no longer have fear about experiencing painful situations in life. A few weeks ago I looked back at all the experiences in my life that had me distraught in some way and I realized that the proportion of events in my life that brought me joy were exactly equal. According to the laws of Karma, what we experience in life is in perfect balance…..and I can definitely see there’s truth to that, I think we are often just slaves to our egos, and the ego ALWAYS puts emphasis on the unpleasant rather than the joyous moments we’ve had in life.

Based on all of these things I’ve learned over the past years, I’ve come to realize that it’s totally safe (and often very enriching) to just dive in and go in the direction your soul and the universe is leading you….

So there’s no holding back now, just living and dreaming aloud.

PS. listen to this song, it`s amazingly beautiful.

There’s stardust in her skin

From her forehead to her feet

She lets it soak down into her blood

Cause she doesn’t know that

The sun will rise

Her beauty from within

Slowly changes all the voices

From mud to gorgeous

They settle in cause

They don’t know that

The sun will rise

Four orbs of brilliant red

Leave an imprint in her mind

They circle down like

They know she’s gone yet

She doesn’t realize

The sun will rise

The heat turns into ice

And it freezes all that’s living

The light sweeps out as the cold seeps in and

Now she hopes that

The sun will rise