So again, one of those days is upon me where I feel like getting a bit more personal with my writing. In the past I would rarely ever do such a thing, but because I feel like I’ve grown so far from caring about the opinions and judgement others may have towards me it feels like such a natural thing to do. I also feel that if I can inspires or help people in any way, deep personal experience is such an invaluable thing to write about.
I feel like I’ve learned a lot about life and myself over the past few years, probably more in the past 3-4 years than I’ve learned in the 24 years before that. Of course I spent those 24 years learning stuff, but I feel it wasn’t so much learning about myself on a deeper level but learning the basics i.e. getting through school, dealing with petty drama with friends, having a boring part time job, drinking and partying…..then doing all the things I thought I was supposed to do, getting into a high paying career, having a serious relationship and buying a place of my own. I did all of those things and for the most part everything ended up falling apart…..I won’t get into all the details of what happened with my relationship, the place I owned a couple years ago and my career. Although I guess most of you know what happened with regard to career plans, me wanting to do something more meaningful with my life and discovering it in Africa.
From parting with all of the above I learned the value of non attachment, it sounds very Buddhist I know….and I actually did have interest in and read up quite a bit on Buddhism a few years ago before any of this came along. It resonated with me because there is no God in Buddhism and the religion itself was about life principles that made sense to me. I don’t think I totally got the non attachment thing at the time though, I understood how maybe people could lose their attachments to tangible things, but to lose attachment to people and expectations without being cold and emotionless? That made no sense to me.
Over the past few years I have been able to develop an understanding of the principle of non attachment, it most definitely doesn’t mean you become a cold and unloving person. What happens is you become a person who is capable of giving a lot and not expecting anything in return. You can love people without feeling the need to possess, control, feel jealousy towards or have expectation of that person…..in other words, it’s unconditional love. Many people think that the only ones we can love in such a way are family members or maybe our best friends from childhood. That’s simply not true though, we’re capable of experiencing this with relationship partners as well although most people would think of it as impossible. The key to living in this way is first find yourself, get to a place where you feel you can give yourself in an empowered way. What I mean by this is a place where you’re giving to someone just because you want to, not because you want, need or expect anything from them in return to validate what you gave. It has to be a place where you feel you can give of yourself and not be offended or hurt if what you give is not accepted.
I don’t think many people get to this place with their relationships, as spiritual practice doesn’t seem to be a strong part of most peoples lives. However, I do think many are capable if they do enough work on themselves to get to a place where they are so solid and sure of themselves that the way another reacts to them won’t throw them far off balance. It takes a lot of hard work and discipline, going through layers and layers of inner baggage….but in the long run it’s worth it because you become emotionally free and are able to decipher what’s coming from your ego and what’s coming from your true self (your soul).
I will admit that from time to time I still intentionally come off as unsure about certain things to my friends just because I know they wouldn’t understand how I could be so assured and calm about certain things and I know they wouldn’t get it if I explain so it’s easier this way because they would probably think I’m just bullshitting them lol.
I’ve also learned that everything in life is transient….something can feel so solid one day and then be dust the next. I think this fact should encourage more of us to follow the principle of non attachment, because we really don’t possess as much control over our lives as we like to think. If so much control over life were possible I would now be married to someone who just over three years ago I thought I could never find happiness beyond. Being forced out of that situation and into new territory also forced me to dive deeper into me when I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was really depressed and never showed that to anyone because I’ve always hated the whole “awwww, don’t worry, you’ll find someone new” kind of thing. I didn’t want someone new, I just wanted to be happy……I went from being someone who’s life was primarily my boyfriend and work with virtually no outside interests to being someone very independent, rediscovering old hobbies from the past, also discovering new things I loved doing…..I started working out and eating super healthy for the first time in my life and that’s a love that’s never died over these years even though I have my breaks from time to time. I started travelling on my own and learned a lot of things about myself that way along with better developing my intuition.
Had I just sat around and sulked and found “someone new” none of that would have ever happened. This is why I know that when we’re faced with daunting situations in life it’s always best to just tackle them head on rather than sitting and waiting for someone else, or something else to come along….waiting never really accomplishes anything in life.
That brings me to something else I learned in life that’s very important and is the reason why I no longer have fear about experiencing painful situations in life. A few weeks ago I looked back at all the experiences in my life that had me distraught in some way and I realized that the proportion of events in my life that brought me joy were exactly equal. According to the laws of Karma, what we experience in life is in perfect balance…..and I can definitely see there’s truth to that, I think we are often just slaves to our egos, and the ego ALWAYS puts emphasis on the unpleasant rather than the joyous moments we’ve had in life.
Based on all of these things I’ve learned over the past years, I’ve come to realize that it’s totally safe (and often very enriching) to just dive in and go in the direction your soul and the universe is leading you….
So there’s no holding back now, just living and dreaming aloud.
PS. listen to this song, it`s amazingly beautiful.
There’s stardust in her skin
From her forehead to her feet
She lets it soak down into her blood
Cause she doesn’t know that
The sun will rise
Her beauty from within
Slowly changes all the voices
From mud to gorgeous
They settle in cause
They don’t know that
The sun will rise
Four orbs of brilliant red
Leave an imprint in her mind
They circle down like
They know she’s gone yet
She doesn’t realize
The sun will rise
The heat turns into ice
And it freezes all that’s living
The light sweeps out as the cold seeps in and
Now she hopes that
The sun will rise