Category Archives: Metaphysical

Life and Death

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I wasn’t expecting I would have anything to write about again until closer to my departure to Australia, but with the passing of my grandfather, I feel the need to write. This may sound morbid, but for the longest time I’ve had a fascination with death and dying…However, my fascination doesn’t stem from anything morbid at all. My interest in death is so I can educate myself and be reminded of how to live my life to the fullest before I die…..and really, none of us know when our time will come. There have been plenty of people in my life who crossed over unexpectedly, so constant growth, reassessment of values and expressing how you feel and not being passive in any situation are all of utmost importance to me.

I have both fortunately and unfortunately been given the gift of being able to see people’s raw emotions under the facades they present to the world. I say fortunately because it gives me a sense of hope that as a species we have not yet become totally mechanical, there is still something salvageable. On the other hand, I say unfortunately because it breaks my heart that most people are not brave enough to express their true feelings or they have become so rigid and controlled by ego that they are not even conscious of what their true feelings are.

I really don’t understand how or why most people don’t act on their internal desires and hold off until X amount of dollars are earned, or until they are X number of years old, or ….. The truth is you don’t know if you will ever reach that X. I can’t speak from experience on this because I have never had a near death experience, but I sense as we come closer to that moment our ego dies first allowing us to review life in a more objective light. Memories are going to flash by in those moments, and in contrast to our ego driven nature of always seeing the negatives, all of the past disappointments and all that may go wrong….without the filter of the ego functioning, our flashbacks are going to be of all the best memories we’ve ever had, not of any heartbreaks or grudges, so why not put as much effort as possible into creating those memories rather than shutting down to avoid heartbreaks, disappointments and failures?



The Time I Had to Pinch Myself to Make Sure I Was Alive….


I know I go on and on about energy quite a lot on my blog, and I know many of you don’t believe that we are made primarily of energy, and that we have a need to work with our energy system to to maintain peace.

I decided to write about an experience I had a little over a month ago, most of you who regularly tune into my blog know that meditation and working with my energy is part of my day to day life and it’s a commitment, not something that I just do at my convenience because that’s not really how it works, its not another task to be scheduled into the day.

I had an experience just about a month ago and it’s very difficult to explain in words but I felt like my brain almost completely shut off, I felt completely connected to everything around me and the simplest things gave me pleasure and happiness….things like my hand touching my face, the way my feet felt touching the floor or feeling the texture of fabric. I went out for a walk and I felt like I was in tune with everything around me, I noticed the fine details of everything around me, details that would normally be overlooked. If I had to come up with a term for it, I would call it “life in HD”  Since this hadn’t happened to me before I had a moment where I thought “hmmm, I wonder if I’m dead :S” and I had to pinch myself to check

Through further work with my energy I was brought back to that “life in HD” experience again tonight, where I felt happy for no apparent reason and just felt at peace and connected with everything around me. As I was walking down yonge street someone came up to me and said “I was walking on the sidewalk on the other side of the street and I felt your energy, I just wanted to tell you” I had a couple more strangers say hi to me and it wasn’t in a “heyy baby, you’re looking sexy” It was pretty cool! and I didn’t have to pinch myself to check if I was alive or not this time 🙂 Just in case the question is running through your mind… I do not smoke weed or take any sort of drugs 😛

Anyway, my point with this blog is…..get your head out of your ass and learn to work with your energies, it makes a huge difference in how you feel!


I don’t really know how to explain it, but it’s real


I’ve decided to finally write about a topic that I have avoided writing about for quite some time because it is often viewed as a bit kooky by people due to “lack of scientific evidence” and it often comes as a surprise to people that I have an interest and commitment to this because I have a strong background in science and spent quite a few years pushing drugs when realistically prevention and lifestyle changes were the appropriate first line therapy.

I think I have mentioned several times in previous posts “spiritual practice” or “meditation” without any further elaboration on any details. That’s simply because I didn’t feel I was able to explain much about it….I still don’t really feel like I can explain any of this very well but I will give it my best shot and I’m always open to people contacting me with questions.

First off, when I’ve used the term “spiritual practice” It’s had nothing to do with religion…I’m completely against organized religion actually but that’s a whole different topic. When I say spiritual practice, what I’m referring to is working with your own energy as a form of healing and restoring self.  I’m very well aware that a lot of you think working with chakra energies is bullshit because there’s not much supporting scientific evidence. However, I have to argue that there is a great deal of historical evidence pertaining to the effectiveness of working with ones energies. For example, if you look at the history of yoga it’s primary purpose wasn’t physical exercise but rather it was opening the chakras and getting their energies moving. I feel that most people who do yoga today don’t really do it for it’s original intent and ignore the principles that were taught in addition to the poses as it’s really just become a pop sort of thing.

You’re probably wondering how I even became interested in any of this….to make a long story short, I was going through a lot of stress about 3 or 4 years ago and tried everything I thought possible to deal with it, with results that were either very little or temporary. The kind of stress I was dealing with was a feeling of being depleted almost constantly. I don’t think this is an issue for most people, but I know that people who deal with other people’s problems and sickness on a day to day basis and are able to empathize with people easily usually have this issue of becoming very drained and just feeling almost like a robot who’s basically always just at the mercy of others. I know my job isn’t dealing with peoples problems or sickness on a day to day basis but I definitely do empathize with people when they’re in need of help and it seems I’ve always just randomly attracted people to me to talk about their issues. Typically, people involved in professions where they’re helping people heal either physically, mentally or both have to give a lot of themselves and naturally, when in an unstressed state they have bounds of energy. When in a depleted state however they’re much worse than most others in depleted states because so much of their energy goes to people and helping them feel better. An analogy I have for it is we all run off of a battery….for the person who’s life purpose is serving others, that battery is not only powering them, but helping power others whos batteries may be malfunctioning. Most other people only use their battery to power themselves and in most cases is sufficient. One reason why the drain can be so constant is that when we help people, sometimes their energy unconsciously sticks to ours continually draining us. (might be a bit difficult for some people to wrap their heads around that one, but if you learn how to clear people’s energy away from yours you will see it’s true)

I was in search of something that could help me feel better, and also something that I could be in control of myself….there’s a lot of  people out there who offer healing sessions, some real, some def. scammers. The problem with having someone else controlling your energy for you, say opening and clearing your chakras for you is you don’t have access to it at the times you need it most.  I needed something that could help me recharge the battery instantly and allow my energy to keep flowing. I ended up taking a course over the span of several weeks that taught various principles of energy management. It was definitely effective, and it’s not only effective at helping your energy levels stay up but it also allows you to feel and clear out blockages (emotional baggage) from your chakras allowing your flow of energy to expand and become stronger……After clearing out blockages in the chakras your highest level of energy achievable is much higher. This might sound a bit crazy but now when I stick with the disciplines I was taught I am able to sleep for as little as  3 hours some nights and not feel tired at all or need to nap the next day, I just feel as refreshed as normal. I will admit it does require a lot of discipline to stick with it although I wouldn’t say it’s very time consuming…..but when you stick to it you see results. I can’t really explain the specific principles as they need to be taught interactively with someone because it involves learning how to tune into your chakras (sounds complicated but it’s really not). If you are struggling with the battery drain issue, seek a spiritual teacher who teaches about directly opening and triggering your chakras and you will be set 🙂

As for scientific evidence, there is some out there, however, not much. Although some studies have been done measuring the energy emitted from chakras, not much has been published in terms of research papers. My theory behind that is, most of the research has been carried out in the US, and healthcare is just another big business there so anything that could potentially damage that business is repressed. Another thing with science is, if we were all just only believers in concrete scientific facts science actually wouldn’t even exist because science has always been about research and being open to possibilities.

So no….you don’t have to be some new age weirdo who reads every shitty self help book that’s published and adorns themselves with hideous beaded jewelry, crystals and dreads and wears a moomoo to feel the positive effects of learning to manage your energy.

The Most Important Things I’ve Learned in Life so far

So again, one of those days is upon me where I feel like getting a bit more personal with my writing. In the past I would rarely ever do such a thing, but because I feel like I’ve grown so far from caring about the opinions and judgement others may have towards me it feels like such a natural thing to do. I also feel that if I can inspires or help people in any way, deep personal experience is such an invaluable thing to write about.

I feel like I’ve learned a lot about life and myself over the past few years, probably more in the past 3-4 years than I’ve learned in the 24 years before that. Of course I spent those 24 years learning stuff, but I feel it wasn’t so much learning about myself on a deeper level but learning the basics i.e. getting through school, dealing with petty drama with friends, having a boring part time job, drinking and partying…..then doing all the things I thought I was supposed to do, getting into a high paying career, having a serious relationship and buying a place of my own. I did all of those things and for the most part everything ended up falling apart…..I won’t get into all the details of what happened with my relationship, the place I owned a couple years ago and my career. Although I guess most of you know what happened with regard to career plans, me wanting to do something more meaningful with my life and discovering it in Africa.

From parting with all of the above I learned the value of non attachment, it sounds very Buddhist I know….and I actually did have interest in and read up quite a bit on Buddhism a few years ago before any of this came along. It resonated with me because there is no God in Buddhism and the religion itself was about life principles that made sense to me. I don’t think I totally got the non attachment thing at the time though, I understood how maybe people could lose their attachments to tangible things, but to lose attachment to people and expectations without being cold and emotionless? That made no sense to me.

Over the past few years I have been able to develop an understanding of the principle of non attachment, it most definitely doesn’t mean you become a cold and unloving person. What happens is you become a person who is capable of giving a lot and not expecting anything in return. You can love people without feeling the need to possess, control, feel jealousy towards or have expectation of that person… other words, it’s unconditional love.  Many people think that the only ones we can love in such a way are family members or maybe our best friends from childhood. That’s simply not true though, we’re capable of experiencing this with relationship partners as well although most people would think of it as impossible. The key to living in this way is first find yourself, get to a place where you feel you can give yourself in an empowered way. What I mean by this is a place where you’re giving to someone just because you want to, not because you want, need or expect anything from them in return to validate what you gave. It has to be a place where you feel you can give of yourself and not be offended or hurt if what you give is not accepted.

I don’t think many people get to this place with their relationships, as spiritual practice doesn’t seem to be a strong part of most peoples lives. However, I do think many are capable if they do enough work on themselves to get to a place where they are so solid and sure of themselves that the way another reacts to them won’t throw them far off balance. It takes a lot of hard work and discipline, going through layers and layers of inner baggage….but in the long run it’s worth it because you become emotionally free and are able to decipher what’s coming from your ego and what’s coming from your true self (your soul).

I will admit that from time to time I still intentionally come off as unsure about certain things to my friends just because I know they wouldn’t understand how I could be so assured and calm about certain things and I know they wouldn’t get it if I explain so it’s easier this way because they would probably think I’m just bullshitting them lol.

I’ve also learned that everything in life is transient….something can feel so solid one day and then be dust the next. I think this fact should encourage more of us to follow the principle of non attachment, because we really don’t possess as much control over our lives as we like to think. If so much control over life were possible I would now be married to someone who just over three years ago I thought I could never find happiness beyond. Being forced out of that situation and into new territory also forced me to dive deeper into me when I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was really depressed and never showed that to anyone because I’ve always hated the whole “awwww, don’t worry, you’ll find someone new” kind of thing. I didn’t want someone new, I just wanted to be happy……I went from being someone who’s life was primarily my boyfriend and work with virtually no outside interests to being someone very independent, rediscovering old hobbies from the past, also discovering new things I loved doing…..I started working out and eating super healthy for the first time in my life and that’s a love that’s never died over these years even though I have my breaks from time to time. I started travelling on my own and learned a lot of things about myself that way along with better developing my intuition.

Had I just sat around and sulked and found “someone new” none of that would have ever happened. This is why I know that when we’re faced with daunting situations in life it’s always best to just tackle them head on rather than sitting and waiting for someone else, or something else to come along….waiting never really accomplishes anything in life.

That brings me to something else I learned in life that’s very important and is the reason why I no longer have fear about experiencing painful situations in life. A few weeks ago I looked back at all the experiences in my life that had me distraught in some way and I realized that the proportion of events in my life that brought me joy were exactly equal. According to the laws of Karma, what we experience in life is in perfect balance…..and I can definitely see there’s truth to that, I think we are often just slaves to our egos, and the ego ALWAYS puts emphasis on the unpleasant rather than the joyous moments we’ve had in life.

Based on all of these things I’ve learned over the past years, I’ve come to realize that it’s totally safe (and often very enriching) to just dive in and go in the direction your soul and the universe is leading you….

So there’s no holding back now, just living and dreaming aloud.

PS. listen to this song, it`s amazingly beautiful.

There’s stardust in her skin

From her forehead to her feet

She lets it soak down into her blood

Cause she doesn’t know that

The sun will rise

Her beauty from within

Slowly changes all the voices

From mud to gorgeous

They settle in cause

They don’t know that

The sun will rise

Four orbs of brilliant red

Leave an imprint in her mind

They circle down like

They know she’s gone yet

She doesn’t realize

The sun will rise

The heat turns into ice

And it freezes all that’s living

The light sweeps out as the cold seeps in and

Now she hopes that

The sun will rise

A Rare Thing, A Look Into My Inner World

For some reason I haven’t had much to write about lately….Not sure where this writers block has come from because usually I’m inspired constantly by the various conversations I have with people, or things I hear and read in the news.

Lately though, I’ve just been experiencing “real life”, when I say this….I’m not referring to life in the physical, work 9-5, have a shit load of responsibilities to take care of, go go go kind of sense…..I mean life in an internal spiritual sense. Learning more about myself, my strengths, my flaws…..learning more to decipher between what’s my ego and what my genuine impulses and emotions are.

To be honest, I’m not even sure exactly where I’m going with this entry….I just felt I should write, didn’t know what to write about but went ahead anyway and this is what’s coming out. That last line actually has a lot of meaning to me as it’s very relevant to what I’ve been reflecting on the past couple days. I felt an impulse, didn’t know where it would go but just ran with it anyway.

I’ve been discovering my life is most fulfilling when I just go with my impulses in the moment rather than pondering on what the end result of acting on said impulse will be. A lot of people may see this as irresponsible, foolish and not being conscious of the consequence of my actions. However, I feel a lot better putting this into practice because I’m seeing that living by those internal impulses rather than what you’e socially conditioned to think you’re supposed to do results in having a stronger sense of inner peace and a clearer sense of direction in life because you’re not stuck thinking “what if?” with regard to everything that could possibly go wrong…you’re just living every moment as it comes and crossing every emotional bridge, happy or sad, when you get there rather than mentally fighting with it sooner.

I have seen that living an overly strategic life where one is rigidly attached to a specific outcome rather than just going with what feels right can ironically be a huge impediment to action and progress. I hope I am not being misinterpreted here and coming across as “Just don’t have any goals in your life and be a hippy who goes nowhere in life”. I am definitely not big on that extreme either, and don’t think I could ever see myself as hippy who speaks of changing the world  and peace yet sits on their ass smoking weed and living in their imaginary world.

I think it’s a matter of assessing whether you’re working towards your goals out of passion (the internal impulses) or not. I’m honestly not even sure exactly how to assess that, don’t know what questions you would ask yourself. I just know for quite a while, about 2 years, I haven’t felt totally happy with what I do despite making good money, not having to work a lot of hours and living what most people would consider a very high quality of life. I realize most people will feel like smacking me over the head for complaining…..but what I was seeking all that time wasn’t more material gain, I was looking for a sense of purpose. It’s a bit funny how I didn’t find it until I just stopped over thinking about the long term possibilities of what could happen if I choose career #1, career #2 and so on. I stopped focusing so heavily on the financial logistics of it all, stopped focusing so hard on employment prospects etc. and quieted my mind a bit. That’s when all the signs started pouring in.

In particular it was when I was in Africa that the signs were coming my way,  one of the paths I had been thinking about was Masters of Public Health. When I was speaking to people I met over there about not being sure what I want to do with my life, based on my background up to now and my interests I kept getting the suggestion “you should consider a masters in public health” I took it to heart that I got those signs and made a decision based on that, I guess you can say it’s a leap of faith I’m taking. Also, with the interest I have in international development I narrowed it down to masters of international public health. Now, going along even further with this whole talk about impulses and gut feelings…..I can recal having two dreams back in January, in the dreams I was living in Australia. In one of the dreams I was skyping my parents telling them I was really happy there….in the other dream I remember going to visit one of my friends who lives in Sydney with her bf, and also my parents were going there to visit me…..I had no idea what all that was about, but I remembered that back in late 2010 I was out for dinner and group of two couples sitting near me were talking about moving to Australia soon….the younger couple were the ones moving. When overhearing the conversation I reacted….it’s really hard to explain how I reacted…it’s just like I was struck with a feeling of “I’m going to be living there too someday”, a gut reaction.

I didn’t put together the pieces about the dreams and why I would be living there until I did some research into masters programs. I checked out the ones around here of course, and there are only two that offer the option I’m interested in, and out of the two programs I feel only one is exactly what I’m looking for. I then did some research on schools outside of Canada, and it seemed Australia had the most interesting programs, was also able to get feed back from a friend of a friend who did her masters of international public health at Queensland and everything sounded awesome, so I am applying to schools there. I’m sure most of you read that anecdote and thought “self fulfilling prophecy” I don’t know though…..I’ve had stuff like this happen before, where I’ve felt like something was going to happen, or dreamed about something and it has indeed happened. I think the best examples are car accidents that I’ve dreamed of happening, cause those are the kind of things you avoid turning into a self fulfilling prophecy…..I remember the time I dreamed I rear ended someone….and yes, it happened the next day, ugh. Last week I actually had a dream my car got t boned, and a couple days later it ALMOST happened. I saw them coming and swerved into the next lane on yonge street almost hitting someone…..I was shaken up a bit, but very happy that one didn’t actually happen…..I realize I’ve gone off on a major tangent here lol….and I could probably go on and on about things I’ve had gut feelings about or dreams about happening, things that would freak you all out and have most of you thinking I’m nuts….but I’ll just leave it at that for now.

Now I will get back to my main point, about how to decipher whether or not you’re following your passion….

I believe that when people follow a genuine passion it’s not going to be entirely self serving, it can still earn you a high income, but at the same time it will be about sharing a valuable part of yourself in a way that impacts other people positively….and that can be in a mass way, or one on one, doesn’t matter. When what you’re doing becomes solely about yourself…..that’s when I think it’s no longer serving much purpose. When the job is just about you and making material gains, that’s when I think it becomes miserable. I was chatting with a friend earlier this evening about how she’s gone into a dept. management role at the hospital, and it being a big change from having only the responsibilities of caring for patients before….I remembered her talking about not thinking management roles were for her in the past due to her life being of a more spiritual nature rather than materially driven…..We came to the conclusion that with most jobs, regardless of what level you’re at, it can be done in a way that’s self serving, or if you’re genuinely passionate about what you do, it can be done in a way that’s beneficial for many.

I do realize there are people who need to work solely for the purpose of material gain to meet survival needs. My point applies to people who have gotten beyond fulfilling their survival needs.

I’m not sure if everything I wrote tonight made sense because I now have my head on my pillow and am about to fall asleep…zzzzzImage

The Rhythm of the Universe

I know I just wrote a blog entry about why I disagree with organized religion the other day, and maybe that has left some of you thinking I don’t believe in any sort of higher power, that we are all just born, live a life filled with random meaningless events that are decided upon by either our free will, someone else’s free will or coincidence then we die, decay and that’s the end…..

Far from it, for a long time I’ve had a sense that there is indeed an order to the universe, all life is meant to exist in balance, and everything is somehow connected, or in other words, Karma. Obviously the  human civilization has gotten to a point where the balance on the scale has tipped very far in one direction….maybe I’m a bit too idealistic, but I do believe that things will eventually get so bad that civilization is shaken into the opposite direction, that which ranks diplomacy and peaceful negotiation much higher than war and hate.

The global scale may not be the best representation to observe how things balance out evenly in life, it’s better to search for examples from your own life in which something that seemed negative ended up turning into something positive. I’m just going to take a really small example because I don’t want to turn my blog into stories about other people who have been in my life…..this isn’t the lol.

I was travelling through Italy by myself last summer, when I was in Florence I decided to go to Pisa for a day. I was supposed to take the train back to Florence later in the afternoon but unexpectedly I had visited on the day of the festival of St. Renieri and there was a lot going on so I decided to stay later to see the fireworks. I planned to take the last bus back to Florence around 1 am. To my horror when I went to the station, more people had bought tickets than there were seats and there was a mob of angry Italians literally beating the s*&t out of each other attempting to get onto this bus. I didn’t want to get hurt so I didn’t even try, I thought maybe 200 euro cab ride would be an option, but nope….there were a few road closures due to the festival so cabs weren’t even really working. The next train was at 7am. I was almost sure I was  going to end up having to stay awake alone all night in the station, because hotels would likely be all full due to the festival. I tried the hotel across from the station anyway…..and they had one room left!! When I got back to my hotel in Florence I told the concierge about what happened to me, cause I’m pretty sure I looked like I was doing the walk of shame back into the building with my messed up make up and yesterdays outfit on. To my surprise he was so nice that he refunded me in cash for the night I didn’t sleep at the hotel despite all my stuff being in the room! So that’s my example on how things usually balance out evenly with all the various ups and downs.

Now for more on why I feel everything is connected and there is an order to things that happen, not just randomness and chaos….

I met up with my friend Simon for sushi last night and he had the idea to go to a bar in his area that he’s never been to before, so we went and the place had a really cool vibe. I noticed that one guy sitting near us was talking about Tanzania, and of course I had to join in the conversation because I’m going there in a few days!! I asked him about what he was doing over there and he climbed Kilimanjaro just like I’m going to be doing!! It was very cool to hear about another persons expereince, it was very encouraging and made me even more excited. He also told me about some other stuff I should see when I’m there.

Even more interesting, the guy who was sitting beside us on the other side had volunteered in Uganda years ago and now works as a consultant for not for profit companies helping them develop business plans, organize fund raisers and implement structure. I came up with an idea recently for a Not for profit organization that I will be starting up when I get back from my trip, he gave me some ideas on how to improve on my initial burst of inspiration and I have a great contact now for when I get back. I got some insight about not for profits that I never really expected. Apparently there’s a lot of competition and ego involved…..and here I was thinking everyone sees things as working together towards the same cause rather than “pffft, I raised more money than you! bow down!”

Last night definitely did not happen just by coincidence……I mean, what are the odds? Incidents like that of last night just show me that when you set out to do things that benefit not only yourself but the greater good, the universe will conspire with your efforts so it can happen.

I’m leaving on Saturday and so excited!! I waited last min to get all my shots because I’m scared of needles….I got three today and I seriously almost fainted! lol. I can imagine fearlessly jumping out of a plane, swimming with sharks, etc. etc. but a little pin prick from a needle scares me. I thought I was going to cry when I was sitting there waiting! 😐

I’m almost all packed, I’ve got a bunch of supplies for the kids I’m going to be working with, my mountain climbing stuff (warm coat, hiking boots etc.) I have some ideas of what I’m going to be doing while I’m not working, but for the most part I’m leaving up to spontaneity. I will be updating my blog as much as I can from Tanzania depending on if I have sufficient internet access.

I’m going to miss all of you!